And he listened…
And he listened…That is how they ended every story they told us about my father who just passed away on August 24th. Friends, neighbors, co-workers, patients. That is what they said that was so special about him. They would tell him their story...and he listened. What a great legacy to leave people with. The feeling that they were seen and heard.
So simple. Yet so hard to do.
When was the last time you had someone really listen to you? What was so memorable? What did it feel like to be really heard? How did they listen? What kinds of questions did they ask you that helped you feel heard?
Listening really does take attention and inner willpower to not assume you know what someone is going to tell you. We often believe we are listening to people when we talk with them. In reality most people do not listen very well because we are planning, thinking of the solution, coming to the conversation with an assumption of what someone is going to say, and many more presumptions. If someone is coming to us with a problem or to ask advice, we jump to “fix” them and begin by giving solutions. Well…wait a second…I know you are thinking…isn’t that why they came to me? To give them an answer?
Not necessarily. Often people have the solution inside of them, but just need a little help to process out loud via conversation. You can help them by using active listening techniques where you reflect what they have said to you through summaries or ask open ended questions so they can reflect on their needs themselves.
Now suppose the person really does need your advice. Listening deeply and with an open mind will allow you to fully understand what they really need from you. Communication is challenging. People don’t always clearly explain themselves and if you presume to know what they need without asking clarifying questions, you may be steering the person in the wrong direction, or even worse, shutting someone down. Even if your answer wouldn’t change with the new information gained, the time you took to really listen and ask questions will go a long way in building trust and connection.
So how do you do this?
Two simple ways to start are asking open ended questions and reflecting back what you hear the person say to you.
Open ended questions are designed to encourage people to tell their story in their own words. They enable you to explore, clarify, and gain an insight into their world and demonstrate curiosity and interest in the person.
Reflective listening is a way to determine that both you and the speaker understands what he or she is trying to say. The reflection allows the other to verify that you are hearing accurately.
Here are a few examples of open-ended questions and reflective responses to help you practice.
Open ended questions
Tell me how things are going for you?
Tell me how you feel about the progress you are making?
What kind of challenges are you facing?
What’s the most important priority to you with this? Why?
What other issues are important to you?
What has that been like for you?
Would you tell me more about ___?
Can you help me understand that a little better?
How does that process work now?
How do you see this happening?
What kind of challenges are you facing?
What’s the most important priority to you with this? Why?
What other issues are important to you?
Reflective Responses
What you’re saying is….
You often feel….
When you tried to do _____this is what happened______.
You really care a lot about _____.
If you find yourself doing well with open ended questions and reflective listening, you could get even more advanced and add in some reflective affirmations. These helps build individual confidence in themselves and also show you are listening to their strengths.
Reflect affirmations
This is hard work that you are doing.
You were successful in changing this in the past.
It took a lot of courage to admit your mistake and keep moving forward.
You are clearly a very resourceful person.
You handled yourself really well in that situation.
That's a good suggestion.
If I were in your shoes, I don't know if I could have managed nearly so well.
